the days in between (09 - 12)

I am seriously not sleeping well since day 01.
Even at home... keep waking up?
Anyways, I've been silent on blog for the weekend.. really been a whirlwind, and I only claim by mouth that it is better or that it's been good.
Tbh, I wasn't truthful.

So on Thurs I left after the program, but lingered and beat myself up till night because I didn't want to go home to face relatives, family, my mom, and reality.
Esp tough facing and talking to my mom, and when they asked about camp it was crazy.
Yet all along while I longed to tell my mom, her mannerisms still irked me so much and I don't know why.
It was almost impossible to bp with all my relatives around, and I really didn't plan/want to that night.. but I just did. at midnight. :(
failure to the max.

Sleeping with eyes shut tight but mind wide open.

The next day was river safari with the relatives. I really didn't want to go. And I was tired to the max from the crazy night of sleeping wide awake. crazy dreams even.
Got myself porridge for breakfast; hopsital-like food makes me feel safe and that it is sufficient... and I feel good.
Lunch was teochew porridge which I didn't feel like having esp cos hopsital says cannot have "soft foods" for lunch.
Anyhow, the secret was still eating me the entire time..... went out in the afternoon.
I must say, shopping is really therapeutic. Not for clothes, but for random stuffs like wigs, fake earrings and DIY soft-toys. haha.
Dinner at Chin Huat. More struggles and irks at my mom's way for entertaining guests. Why? I haven't exactly processed it. (but apparent I process/rationalize thoughts too much)

And a crazy night of not sure what to expect for the next day when I would be telling my mom about it..

Saturday.
Felt like my life is taking a step into the unknown. Worried about Mom's reaction, how sad she would be. Worried about myself, how things will be changing from there.
The half hour journey to church seemed like eternity.
Met P. Alice n Jean at the counseling room. I don't exactly remember what happened. Was a blur.
I shared.
P. Alice intervened.
Mom shared.
We talked.
Practical issues..
Really, I don't really remember what mom said but we definitely both cried.
I felt relieved, yet it was so surreal and I was now stressed with what is going to happen next.
I felt like I was burdening my mom further, so I felt bad, but I also felt upset that my mom wants to burden herself more with concerns about me when I feel that I am OK on my own.
So its really conflicted.
Lunch with her was... she didn't finish her food. Super triggering and upsetting. but chose to dwell on the better side?? Well.. didn't last long.
Chat with her practical stuff and the things that has been happening the past week and year but I didn't put much emotions in it?
Met Church friends after, but...
Anyhow, DVD Saving Mr. Banks with mom at night.

Thought I could sleep well but still didn't, kept waking up. and "just a spoonful of sugar, helps the medicine go down!" song in my head.. Mary Poppins. lol.

Morning. First day of my mom knowing.
Felt super stressed. For breakfast, for dinner, for everything with her.
I feel like I can handle it on my own because she still doesn't seem to understand what's going on inside of me, and I don't know why I feel so irritated with her all the time even though I know she loves me and cares for me AND I LOVE HER TOO.
yet...
sigh.
Dinner was bad, and the trip back was a silent one. Even her in the ward, I couldn't wait for her to leave.
And when she did, it was just bitching and complaining with the rest of the people her.
Terrible, yet... comforting.
Then my mood changed and I really didn't feel like being back here, with the lack of freedom and choice.

So here is the start of day 13 (or a new day 1), and I think my weigh-in was bad. No 1kg gain.
Looks like I'll have to start on supps?
lol.