weekend recap (days 17-19)

maybe it will be better to write now or try to describe what is it that i was so unhappy about over the weekend, esp with mom

1. mom texts me if the items i was carrying was heavy.. and she walks out to meet me halfway when i was walking in.

- i felt irritated cos it seemed as if i was handicap, or sick, or weak or something. i full fully capable of helping myself.  didn't like it that she was treating me exceptionally... it felt like she wanted to help me carry my stuffs.

- i knew in my head she was just so delighted to see me.. but i felt it wasn't necessary, because i just saw her the days before. and ever since i was warded, i think i've seen and talk to her more than i did when i was working! 

- and esp i was feeling quite lost going home... seeing familiar places, routines... (Edward standing up tall again. Is it Edward, or is it me??? I HAVE NO IDEA. too confused already.) and so i was upset about being home yet mom was so delighted, so i couldn't identify with the happiness and wanted to be left alone

2. mom's comment about my stupid resource drink when i was putting it in the fridge. "want to hide it in my room or somewhere?" she said, "later gone/disappear!" - and that smile smirk on her face.

- firstly, who was she implying? Zedd, or me?! i felt accused and ashamed at the same time

- if she could say that, what does it mean she think of me? i felt she was bullying my sister and i

- mood was really bad, i went back up in the room and cried.

3. dinner; same thing as always - she thought we were eating sushi tei even though i just simply made that suggestion out of the many other suggestions. 

- i guess this one really my fault. i wanted to eat something simple; and somehow i was actually thinking of clementi, ban mian, and maybe go to popular or something after. i guess i should have said it earlier (but i was crying and i was moody).

- i hate it always that she always ask me what i want, but end up she is the one that wanted something else. and now she places it more on me, what i want to eat (or at least i feel so) now that she know of Edward.. but grah.

- plus mood sucked cos it was a friday night and i was stuck. conflicting 2 different worlds - home and hospital.

4. argument about bedrooms

- why me and adrea and not leon? i feel mom is still over protective of leon. 

5. asking me about what my plans are for the day, whether i want to have lunch, whether i want to eat breakfast..

- maybe its me being to sensitive bah, maybe she does that all the time, but i just feel more so cos i am aware that she is aware?? sigh. 

- plus i felt so lonely, so lost, so out-of-touch with the world.. no plans, no nothing, no friends. (but i feel this sometimes or quite alot on days i got nothing planned). so its really my issue

6. mom asks me to ask leon to fetch me, and leon calling me after.

- back to point number 1.

7. incomplete meals, picky eaters, and those that don't show up.

- adrea doesnt eat her carbs like she claim she now does

- mom always asks for less carbs and doesnt finish her food

- leon didnt even come for lunch or even the show

8. i feel no difference telling them and not telling them.

- i want to be treated better, not treated special, and not treated as if nothing has happened.

9. confusing messages from everybody.

- i'm tired, i really am. 

day 18

you mean it takes not just months, but years?!?

be free from me, stupid Edward.

day 17

Weekend home leave.

I am home.
I feel miserable.

I feel like everything I had is lost once more.
The familiarity seems so distant now...

I feel lost.

I hate it in the ward, superficial friendships and echos of ED talk everywhere, strict protocols and unreasonable demands.. cold nights and dreary days..
Yet in that crazy environment, I am away from reality, away from everything... out of touch with everything that I so involved my life around - hanging out with friends, running, activities... etc etc.

And here I am, back home, feeling so empty.
Why?

I don't understand.

day 16

Weigh-in part 3 tomorrow. I had better pass if not I won't get to leave here. It's really a lucky draw kind of thing because I  totally have no idea how it will turn out. 

Just realised I have not stepped out of this place for 4 days already. I have not felt the sun shine on my face or the breeze of the wind or the humidity in the air.  

Not going start thinking about how long I have not perspired doing any physical activity. 

On another note - 

I love my family. 

More than I think I do, more than I can rationalize. 

Yes we have our faults, our differences, our distances from each other.. Etc. But when I don't try to spell out our family defects, I find that there is something special about my family that I would never want to trade it for anything else. 

:) 

Mom came in the afternoon after my morning of attempting my DIY teddy bear (gosh, I suck at sewing!!). We watched book thief but didn't manage to complete it cos the family therapist came to see me. 

Adrea and Leonie came to visit after dinner - ceadrea brought me a sunflower! 

Now I have 2 flowers (Aunty Vara came with one yesterday too) !! Hehe. 

Got stuffs to do for school - writing report cards comments. Hai. I don't wanna think about returning back to school either. 

Safe here in this artificial environment. 

Supps and Pau snack in 15min. 

day 15

So my weigh-in sucked, I lost weight since monday (that's only 2 days?!?).. leading to me having to be RIB - Rest in Bed.
Means one additional supplement (Resource), no attending of day program, No walking from room to room (I have to be wheelchair-ed), and no dental appointment tomorrow.
I scared Mom remembering about Dad being wheelchair-bounded... :(
It must be really difficult for her coming to hospital everyday to visit me, just like how she did for Dad.. I feel heartbroken too... Sigh.

She asks me so many questions and assumes so many things that I get irked, but yet I know she does that cos she loves me.. but more importantly, I realized, not just for my sake, but she herself told me that she asks so many questions because it helps her worry less when she is uncertain, when she knows what she can do to help me...
I guess she worries less when she feels "useful" or not helpless?

So many thoughts run through my head... I am tired of sorting them out.
Yet, I feel that once I leave here, life will have to go on.
Hospital environment is just a safe, artificial place.. reality is out there... Here is just an escape?

There's work/school to think about, for one.
Family routines, my ambitions, friends to face or to update... everything else.

Anyway, back to my day.
In the morning I did Art Jam - a free Art Therapy session where today we did clay modelling.
Then lunch had banana :((. Maybe I will slowly get used to it. I hope.
Granny and Mom came after lunch and we just chit-chat.. not much to do and somehow I was tired.
And moody, somehow.. Didn't know what to say or to do.. Sigh again. I feel like a really bad host.

Resource for 3pm.
Watched Mary Poppins (intermittently, haha)
Oh and because of the Urology review thing, I have to measure the amount and the time I pee, plus the amount of water I drink. How troublesome.

On a more cheerful note (or so I hope), during the clay-making I did a magnet and a turtle paper-weight. And yesterday I was making a card for Mother's Day.
Now during meal supervisions while waiting, I have been doodling on the doodling book I bought for myself during exchange! Finally starting it.. haha.

Oh well.
I haven't read the bible today I just realised.
Shall do that... doesn't come naturally yet, or still some sort of reluctance too (why, I can't figure out exactly)..
but I shall.

Till tomorrow.

day 14

Wow day 14. That's two weeks. 

No programme (and quite happy about it) cos urologist was not here yet and my doc got the referral for the wrong specialist hahaha. 

Morning spent doing up lesson plans for my extended leave and for relief matters. I feel really bad about my absence in school and having teachers to cover for me, and wonder how it will be like when my students see me when I return. 

Mom came in the afternoon and we watched a DVD together.. :) 

After dinner ceadrea came to visit, told her my story. Sigh I feel really ashamed even though I told her in a normal kind of know-it-all tone... I'm so horrid I hate myself for all these lies and this secret I've been carrying. 

Tomorrow urologist will run some tests (or the day after) so confirm no programme for me hehe. But means can't do my own things?? Not that I have a lot to do. 

Dietician suppose to come visit to answer my questions but she didn't either haha. 

What will tomorrow bring? 

day 13 (yesterday)

So I didn't attend the programme yesterday because I was waiting for the medical review referral to come and run what ever test they need to do for my abnormal urge to go toilet ever so frequent.

Feedback group was... erm, quite superficial.

Lunch and I dozed off at the table and mom came, and I continued sleeping while she was here.

Really could barely open my eyes and I was so grouchy.

Mom met my doc and had a conference with him, I joined after at the end.. but it wasn't much. Doc was being nicer than usual, but maybe cos there is an adult with him. Ah, whatever.

Had supps for tea - my first Resource drink (because of sub-optimal weight gain for the week).

Tbh, it was pretty much OK except that it was super sweet. And I had it warm cos I was soooo cold.

Talk abit with mom before she left, then the psychologist came to visit.

Talked with her. Somehow, she makes me feel that everything I believe about my family is a flop; my family is worse than I deem it to be... kinda sad really.

And also about my personality.. she made me question who I am.

But she challenged me to think about telling my whole family, so I told Adrea over sms during dinner time.

Sigh.

You know, I really don't know who I am anymore.
Or what to think,

what I have always believed in,

what is right, what others say is right, 

or what to do.

I am just plodding along, not sure where I am going.

Others tell me I am taking the right steps, with bravery, with courage.. but I am not sure.

I feel like I'm giving up relying on my own sentiments or that, my thoughts are just all so warped that I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to explain...

Sigh again.

"Trust the doctors and the treatment plans, they are the experts".

Hmmm. 

the days in between (09 - 12)

I am seriously not sleeping well since day 01.
Even at home... keep waking up?
Anyways, I've been silent on blog for the weekend.. really been a whirlwind, and I only claim by mouth that it is better or that it's been good.
Tbh, I wasn't truthful.

So on Thurs I left after the program, but lingered and beat myself up till night because I didn't want to go home to face relatives, family, my mom, and reality.
Esp tough facing and talking to my mom, and when they asked about camp it was crazy.
Yet all along while I longed to tell my mom, her mannerisms still irked me so much and I don't know why.
It was almost impossible to bp with all my relatives around, and I really didn't plan/want to that night.. but I just did. at midnight. :(
failure to the max.

Sleeping with eyes shut tight but mind wide open.

The next day was river safari with the relatives. I really didn't want to go. And I was tired to the max from the crazy night of sleeping wide awake. crazy dreams even.
Got myself porridge for breakfast; hopsital-like food makes me feel safe and that it is sufficient... and I feel good.
Lunch was teochew porridge which I didn't feel like having esp cos hopsital says cannot have "soft foods" for lunch.
Anyhow, the secret was still eating me the entire time..... went out in the afternoon.
I must say, shopping is really therapeutic. Not for clothes, but for random stuffs like wigs, fake earrings and DIY soft-toys. haha.
Dinner at Chin Huat. More struggles and irks at my mom's way for entertaining guests. Why? I haven't exactly processed it. (but apparent I process/rationalize thoughts too much)

And a crazy night of not sure what to expect for the next day when I would be telling my mom about it..

Saturday.
Felt like my life is taking a step into the unknown. Worried about Mom's reaction, how sad she would be. Worried about myself, how things will be changing from there.
The half hour journey to church seemed like eternity.
Met P. Alice n Jean at the counseling room. I don't exactly remember what happened. Was a blur.
I shared.
P. Alice intervened.
Mom shared.
We talked.
Practical issues..
Really, I don't really remember what mom said but we definitely both cried.
I felt relieved, yet it was so surreal and I was now stressed with what is going to happen next.
I felt like I was burdening my mom further, so I felt bad, but I also felt upset that my mom wants to burden herself more with concerns about me when I feel that I am OK on my own.
So its really conflicted.
Lunch with her was... she didn't finish her food. Super triggering and upsetting. but chose to dwell on the better side?? Well.. didn't last long.
Chat with her practical stuff and the things that has been happening the past week and year but I didn't put much emotions in it?
Met Church friends after, but...
Anyhow, DVD Saving Mr. Banks with mom at night.

Thought I could sleep well but still didn't, kept waking up. and "just a spoonful of sugar, helps the medicine go down!" song in my head.. Mary Poppins. lol.

Morning. First day of my mom knowing.
Felt super stressed. For breakfast, for dinner, for everything with her.
I feel like I can handle it on my own because she still doesn't seem to understand what's going on inside of me, and I don't know why I feel so irritated with her all the time even though I know she loves me and cares for me AND I LOVE HER TOO.
yet...
sigh.
Dinner was bad, and the trip back was a silent one. Even her in the ward, I couldn't wait for her to leave.
And when she did, it was just bitching and complaining with the rest of the people her.
Terrible, yet... comforting.
Then my mood changed and I really didn't feel like being back here, with the lack of freedom and choice.

So here is the start of day 13 (or a new day 1), and I think my weigh-in was bad. No 1kg gain.
Looks like I'll have to start on supps?
lol.

day 12

back in after 3 days.

now, mom knows.
How come I was only relieved for that day itself, but nothing else changes??

When I was out,  I can't wait to get back in where its safer.
Now that I am in, I wished I was out.

What is wrong with me.

woo is to me.

can I ddad???

day 08

Tired. 

Every night I can't sleep well, maybe it's really the stress of trying to hold everything together and all the plans. 

Today was ok, shared tentative plans with docs about the weekend and that I intend to tell my mom and we'll decide from there.

Honestly, I am afraid of looking one step further from that. How different my life would be with mom in the loop, my job and the treatment plans or options. 

Amaria came to visit (she is really too nice I feel bad) and had a good time sharing info wih her... Not complete (lack of time plus I'm soooo complicated) but at least now even though how I think is really weird, she now knows. 

Hopefully, it will help me. 

Not sure if this program in the day is helping me, but a controlled environment is definitely helping me. It's only physical tho, hopefully the mental part will follow along very soon. 

Anyhows, Amaria asked me if I have thought about how and what I am going to convey this to mom... I haven't. 

I should really think about how to start and how to be tactful. 

But my mind is in a whirlwind and I feel like I need to really stop all these thinking and planning. I can't sleep at night but my eyes is tired and I am drained. 

Let me just run and run and release in my dreams with a goodnight. 

day 07

Every night I freeze my brains off and wake up every 2 to 3 hours. Really darn difficult to get a good sleep here haha.

Anyhows, my doc brought in 2 other docs to talk to me because of yesterday.
Apparently if not for my talk with another newer doc on feedback, my tone is O.K but the way I structure my words sound angry. I shared what I thought of my own doc on interrupting others, and that doc said "because we know him, he know he talks like that, but we know he isn't being rude or agitated, its just the way he talks."
 In the back of my mind, I am thinking, Ok, but I've seen my doc for almost a year. He doesn't know the way I talk, and I don't know the way he talks, but I am the one getting the blame??

Confused still. But he allowed me to go to the programme after 2 times intermission break from seeing the team of docs.

Programme helped me pass time. But doesn't feel helpful. Again, head knowledge but no heart or mind to will me the strength.

Lunch was banana. Almost died x 1.
Almost, because got a chance to refrigerate the banana to change the texture.
Occupational therapy was Choco Banana cake. Almost Died x 2.
Again almost, because smell was terrible but taste was OK cause of the chocolate and it wasn't too sweet. Haha.

Frankly, I didn't find it difficult or any much applicable to me...
Just helping me pass time.

But I think I do need my mom in this?
Idk.

Everyday I say I don't know.
Because I really don't.

MOE review results, absence from school and school duties, spilling the beans to my mom and working with my family, the familiar routines and activities with friends and on my own, trust issues with my current doctor and our initial treatment plan vs what he thinks of me now.. How to fit all of it together?

Voices from peers, counselors, doctors, nurses, Aunty Vara, other patients here.. Which to hear?
How to hear God's voice in practical and decisions??

Sigh sigh idk idk.

But I look forward to every new day cos its like one day conquered. Still, I can't be always concentrating on time having to pass right?

day 06

Hell. (No not a typo for hello) 

Morning talk with the team and my doc got angry over my water intake topic, he told me to leave and I agitated him further with my words. 

Orders that I will not be joining the program today not from my doc's mouth but from nurses made me damn irritated and upset. 

Seriously, I hate my doc and I don't trust him. Aunty Vara's message to me when I told her about my decision is haunting me. I feel now she was so right, I should not have dismissed it and just listen to the others? 

Idk. Keep crying and I just feel like everything is a big mistake. 

Family the only one that will always be there? So means it was all wrong to begin with? 

But clearly family must mean only mom or something cos my bro got his own life to live - not that he is to be blamed for neig sick today, but I just can't help thinking everything is at the wrong time. 

I feel so confused, so alone. So misunderstood, so helpless. 

Wishing I just left it alone. I don't know what I want anymore. At all. 

Josh visiting me was a relief when I thought he wasn't coming after all. 

I acted terribly with P Alice and Jean visiting me. But I wish they would stop touching me and telling me "yes things are difficult" "yes it must be blah blah for you" or "how are you feeling" etc. I'm sick of these shit. 

Watched 3/4 of the DVDs I rented. 

I don't want to think what I should be doing anymore. Messed up max. 

day 05

I cheated on myself.

I know, I'm terrible. Not going to explain more. 

Talked to mom on the phone today, I really fear how and when and what to say to convey this whole issue. How will she take it? How different will my life be?

Anyway, dinner with Josh and his parents before heading back. Good chat sharing with Josh, just glad that it didn't turn nasty. 

So yes I did cheat myself on my outing but coming back here talking to my roommates was really de-stressing. I don't really know how they think of me, but I guess I will try not to bother. 

Just need to be more honest yet very sensitive about others too I guess. 

Bad me, good others day. 

Goodnight. 

Ps: don't feel like attending the program yet esp if I am not ready to do more. 

day 04

Like crap.

In the back of my mind, at breakfast, I was already planning to screw it up.
But I made it worst.

Meal outing was a bad bad bad idea.
Went out with old cell girls... And I couldn't concentrate on the company, only what was before us laid on the table.

Came back like crap and dinner with the 2 other girls was like shit too.
Made another girl think about how bad she felt, she cried, I tried to cheer her up, and she rejected my little note with just smiley faces. The other girl seem to just ignore.
And I seriously regret sharing with them.
No idea what led me to say so much. I am NOT having SELF-PITY.

I feel outcast, extra.
I am the only shit ass person who decided to admit myself here, the only stupid person who's parent does not know (and I chose it), the one with so many layers of complication.

I don't want to say anything anymore or be associated anymore.
I just want to isolate myself and drop dead to the entire world.

Feeling more and more alone and screwed up.

Dear God, what now???

day 03

A Friday night.

No visitors. But I can't expect Amaria or Chris or anyone that knows to keep visiting me.
Yet, somehow, I still feel alone in this.

Battling cries in my heart, in my mind.

Today I managed to chat more with someone else with ED. Though situations differ, but she was really very encouraging.

But today when I went for the trial for the Day Planning, I honestly felt confused.
How do I know what's my ED? Or the old me? Or the me now? Or who am I? What do I really want?
I don't trust myself.

Also, had a big fuss about my water intake. Quarreled with the nurses. Cried. Emotional.
Honestly, I feel thirsty all the time. I am not using water to help me do some scheming method to gain weight or something.
But after that I felt really bad, so I wrote a note to the nurses to apologize.

I don't want to be difficult. But.
And I must really learn to trust my doctor.
I don't trust my physical body cues even.

Even then, I feel so alone, like I am so messed up with so many things to uncover.
One step at a time?

day 02

Amaria came and visit last night. It was a really good time chatting with her, and it is somewhat comforting to know that it is normal for families to have their differences.
So my family is not doomed eh.

Anyhow, slept pretty well but was freezing. I slept the whole morning too, after breakfast and before lunch.
I feel quite sad that I am coped up here, no sunshine, no movement... especially when I don't feel sick?

Chris and Jean came to visit.
I am not comfortable with making small chat. I feel weird being the one to be visited... I don't mind familiar people that I can chat with. But I feel bad that people visit me anyways.

Don't know how I managed, but I managed to kill time in the afternoon.

I eat all my meals, it's OK no pressure because I know I am supposedly eating enough.. but I somehow still always seem to feel hungry even after my meals? Sigh.

And somehow, I feel different from the rest of the people. I don't feel like befriending them for now cos' I'm afraid, I don't want to get worse then I already am, or either that I see the root of my problem different.
I don't know what I am thinking or feeling actually.

Just really grateful for Amaria and Chris.. especially Amaria.

Tomorrow I start on the day program.

At the back of my mind, I can't wait for the days to pass faster (and my meal times can come faster cos I feel perpetually hungry?) and also I am thinking of how and when I am going to let my mom know.

Sigh.

day 01

Entered not knowing what it will be like.
Money and cards and medication "confiscated" for safe-keeping.
Body checks, B/P checks.. Q&A.
Protocols and procedures.
Rules to follow in Ward 46.

Now, I am bored.. Should have brought more stuffs to do rather than just my laptop.
Brought my bible and a book but I have no mood to read it?
Will my life change from here?

Frankly, I am very skeptical. Just went for an "interview" and the doctor seems to be retarded.
And I feel pigeonholed.. Like all patients have the same inherent problem.

Why did I even choose to let myself be admitted then huh?
Seriously having big doubts now.

I want to play. I want to go out and run around.. I am already missing my morning runs, or the evenings of playing badminton, rollerblading, playing soccer, frisbee............
and NO, its not cos of my illness I am dreaming of these things.
I just want to be free.

I suddenly feel like I've jumped inside a well.